As the nation was still mentally recovering from Rebecca Black,  on October 14 we were cruelly hit with Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food,” with all the awfulness of “Friday” and the unwelcome addition of racism.  Patrice Wilson of Ark Music Factory is the man responsible for these abominations he calls music videos. It starts with a man speaking in Mandarin, there’s no subtitles cause you know, this is a legit piece of Chinese cinema and all and ends with a panda blasting through Gold’s roof in a rainbow after throwing a giant fortune cooke. There’s so much in between I can’t even, you’ll just have to watch it.

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This video is 3 minutes and 27 seconds of mind-blowing confusion. Why does this exist? Why did Gold’s parents let her do this? Why did Gold want to do this? (Hello! Bullying!) Who pays for this stuff? Did she say she had been clubbing? ‘Scuse me how old are you?Did that trashcan really deserve that? Is an adult actually employed to write this? Is she tripping when she hallucinated noodles in the sky? Who is this even intended for in the first place? Does she really love Chinese food? Why am I craving Chinese food? Why is everyone ok with this grown man hanging out with all these preteens at a slumber party? Did Panda Express pay to be mentioned in this garbage? Why do the languages of the subtitles keep changing? WHY? WHY?! WHYYYYY?! to all of this.

Silence Ho

Here’s her twitter if you also have these questions: